I know this entry is going to be a long one, so for those of you who really don't give a damn or just don't have the patience to read all that is here, feel free to go on with your day and close this, because it will take a while to register, (maybe).....

Wow...it's actually almost been a year sense I've typed on this damn thing.  Then again, why pour your heart and soul out to something lifeless that people will read, and judge you with the information that you give.  The whole online diary thing is a waste of time if people can read it, but then again, they're stupid to put it in the first place if they didn't want any feedback on it. But that's beside the point right now.

Figured I'd give this bad boy another try, sense I still have it anyway.  I don't feel like reading past entries, considering they'll only make me realize how completely dumb I was when I was younger, not like that hasn't changed, .

Tonight Meghan and I had a heart to heart (while B-Rant was listening in the background with his trap shut. hahaha).  Gotta love how talking about drugs and how dumb they are can bring many things out into the open.  Finally tried green tea this past summer, and I'm not gonna lie, I kinda liked it.  But after taking care of Tyler one night, and actually wondering if he was going to hit me when I was trying to keep him in control, I don't want to get like that.  Ergo, people do learn by watching others and their mistakes.

I that think after the talk, I'm slowly going to be making some of the decisions that I need to face, because all they're doing is setting me back, and making it so I don't move forward with my life.  And they're petty ones at that, which is pathetic in all ways that I would be getting so upsett about them.  Pretty much the typical guy problems are really starting to wear me down, which is lame, I know, but can I do?  I haven't been in a REAL relationship sense good ol' Captain Queer.  Granted, I did try again with someone that I still hold close to my heart, but I ended up being alone in the end. 

 I'm wanting to be fully commited to someone, I'm tired of dating around and not being able to make up my mind.  But what bothers me most about that is, that I can't really and truly make up my mind until Christmas, when my David comes back from AIT.  I've been trying my damndest to behave myself sense I've been contacted by him with his new phone.  The thing is, he's not mine nor am I his, so why am I feeling like crap when I'm with someone else while he's gone.  Why do I feel like I should just be waiting around for him, even though I have this feeling nothing is going to come from this except tears.

I've confessed to two other people that I genuinely and truly loved them, and despite popular thought, I was telling the truth.  Both of them royally and truly fucked me over.  After both of those times, I ended up indulging myself with intimate pleasures that I should have just held back on, but I didn't.  The same thing happened after David had hurt me the first time, but for some reason, I'm still willing to forgive and try again with him.  I can't keep indulging with the right now.  I feel disgusted with myself for the way I've been acting these past two years, just trying to numb the feeling.  But at the same time, I don't regret what I've shared either.  

What sickens me beyond belief right now is a certain someone that has the audacity to ask me to take something from him that he can't get back once I take it.  I told him straight up that I was no longer in the cherry poppin business.  A bet is a pathetic way to lose something so precious.  Highschool still hasn't left him, and to be honest, for someone to want to lose something like that so badly, why can't they find someone that is willing to do it?  Am I supposed to feel honored that someone outright asked me if I would fuck them so they could lose their virginity?!?!  Shows how much certain people had thought about me.  I'm not some whore that'll just fuck a guy when he asks, especially when he was trying to win a bet that he'd lose it before he left the damn hell hole of a school that I have so many Cherished memories in.  What makes it even worse is that he lied to them saying that he did, granted, he didn't say with who.  Yeah, I'll admitt it, I was considering helping him out, wouldn't be the first person I've "helped".  Guess I do have some conscience after all, considering I'm still trying to convince him that he's better off finding someone that cares about him to do it.  As a friend, he's an okay person, but as for my personal feelings toward him?  I don't mean to be harsh, but why would he want to have his first time be with someone that doesn't have an ounce of physical attraction to him, not to mention disgusted that he would let some bet take over his better judgemnt that I know he has SOMEWHERE in him. 

I can't sleep at night, I can't keep my eyes open in the day, I can't get myself to trust in what I feel I should be doing, and I can't take always having to be patient with the thing I want most.  I want to be loved, but not as some play thing, I want to be loved in return the way I love the person.  The boy at work that I distract myself with, but know that their's really nothing behind his actions other than indulgence, just like mine are turning toward him, hell, even my old boss is giving me grief.  I don't trust him, and I don't know if I ever will, even if my body craves for his touch more than anything right now, and the feeling is mutual.  I could try to justify it all I want, and it'll still just be another distraction until David comes home.  The thing is, will things change, will they get any better than they were, or will it just be another knot that I have on my necklace.

This is the end of my thoughts and rantings until further notice, figured I'd make it count.

True love

Gizmo

What up bitches.  So It's been a long time sense I've actually written on this piece of crap sense I have a MySpace now, and I really don't feel like sharing the world my problems, because if I wanted to you to know, I'D HAVE TOLD YOU!

Hahaha, but anyways, felt like updating for all you fuckers who keep complaining that I should.  Enjoying my Senior year so far, lost my car because of my stupidity, but hey, at least I don't have to worry about gas for a while!  On the downside, I'm bored outta my fucking mind.

Listening to Dane Cook right now, sense I still need to return Meghan's CD's from her leaving them in my CAR! lol.

Made it into the musical, "Sound of Music" and yall bitches better come see it in November, because I think that's the only time you'll be able to see me loooking anything like a nun.

Well, that's all I feel like blabbering about today.

Oh yeah, SOMEBODY KIDNAP ME IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT NEXT WEEKEND!  I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND ABOUT BEFORE I GO INSANE!!! AND IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK!!!

<3 G-Izmo